


Would That I

by Holly_Spell



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 7th year, AU (kinda), Angst, Canon What Canon, Fighting, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 16:32:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19023715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holly_Spell/pseuds/Holly_Spell
Summary: Lily's world is burning alive. Her sister hates her. Severus has turned into someone she cannot recognize. Voldemort is rising. And, arguably worst of all, James Potter had become Head Boy and she, Lily Evans, had not become Head Girl.How will Lily fare with the stress and the complete and utter absence of James Potter in her life? Time will only tell.AU where James becomes Head Boy and Lily does not become Head Girl.





	Would That I

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I came up with the concept of this fic late at night while at my friend's house. The concept? Trash. The writing? Hopefully good??
> 
> The title comes from Hozier's song Would That I because I realized how often I mentioned fire in this fic and I wanted it to seem intentional....
> 
> aNyWaY. Please enjoy!!!

> _With the war of the fire, my heart moves to its feet Like the ashes of ash, I saw eyes in the heat Feel it soft and as pure as snow Fell in love with the fire long ago With each love I could lose, I was never the same Watch it still live in roofs, be consumed by the flame I was fixed on your hand of gold Lay in waste of my lovin' long ago_
> 
> _~Would That I. Hozier._

    It was raining. Well, at least it had been when Lily had left her house and took a cab to Kings Cross. But it never rained on Platform 9 and 3/4. It was always sunny and perfect. Some sort of wizarding magic Lily had never bothered to question. While Lily usually adored the last of summer's sun, she couldn’t help but feel that the rain matched her mood far better.

    Over the summer, her eyes had been opened to the world. The Prophet was starting to report more and more on cases of dead muggleborns, and it didn't help that the Ministry didn’t have any answers either. 

    Her sister Petunia refused to talk with her the whole summer, putting unneeded stress on the small family, who didn't quite know how to navigate the differences between the two girls.

    The whole summer, a different dark cloud had also been following her. Snape had waited by her house every day. Sitting on the steps. Walking up and down the path that went in front of her house. Long shadow under the street light. Until, to Lily’s dismay, her mother let Snape in.

* * *

 

_     “Lily! Someone’s here to see you!” Lily stood in her room, running through options of visitors. Dorcas was still on vacation in Italy. Who knew where Marlene was, but she was not the type to come in invited. Lily’s last guess would have been Alice, except dropping in unannounced was very out of character for her. Of course, a little voice nagged that it could be Potter dropping in before the school year started.  _

_     As she walked downstairs, she strained to hear any sort of conversation. Any voice that would allow her to hear who it was. The churning in her stomach warned her that this could be dangerous. That this could be how the people from the stories in the Prophet gotinto houses.  _

_     When she got downstairs, she almost saw red. Potter would have been a better option than who was in front of her. _

_     “Severus,” Lily regarded him cooly. He refused to meet her eye. He had grown since the end on sixth year. His hair reached his shoulders and he towered over Lily now. His eyes had changed the most though. Before, she had seen a certain warmth in them. Now, they were colder. More harsh.  _

_     “Lily. Can we talk?” Lily could barely hear the request, he said it so softly. She shrugged. _

_     “I have nothing to say.” She turned to go upstairs. _

_     “Lily. Please. I want to apologize,” Severus pleaded. Lily turned around, staring down Severus with as much anger she could at her childhood friend. _

_     “It better be bloody good, Sev.” She simultaneously regretted and was relieved that she had left her wand upstairs. _

_     “I didn’t mean it. What I said. I didn’t mean it.” The words tripped and fell out of his mouth. _

_     “Really? You didn’t mean it? That’s your apology?” She was fuming. She had trusted him. Stood up for him. Even defended him. She stormed away from him and out of the door, simply looking for a way to get out of the conversation.  _

_     “You don’t know what it’s like with them, Lil. You don’t get it,” Severus tried to defend himself while following her outside. Lily scoffed, refusing to turn around and look at him.  _

_     “What do I possibly need to get?” Lily paused, took a deep breath, and turned to face him. “This was a mistake. I never should have given you the opportunity to talk to me.” _

_     “You don’t know what’s coming, Evans! I could protect  you!” He shoved his hands in his pockets. Lily tried to compose herself with another deep breath“Do you really think that? That I need protecting?” Lily let out a huff of air. “If my wand weren’t upstairs, I would hex you into next week.” _

_     “You don’t know their plans for people like you.”  _

_     “People like me. Just say it Sev. You did it before. Just do it,” Lily said, unable to look him in the eye. _

_     “Lily. I’ve already apologized for that,” He kicked the dirt at his feet.  For a moment, Lily could see the boy she had known when she was younger. The boy who had told her of a magical world. The boy who showed her the way there and who had stuck to her like glue. She could almost see forgiving him. _

_     “Lily. The other mudbloods are a lost cause-” Severus started to say, before he caught himself. It threw Lily out of her daydream. This was was a man standing in front of her, not a little boy.Not even she could get him out of the place where he was. _

_     “Why do you use that word? Don’t you find it ironic? Your father is a muggle. How does that make you any different from me. Because my mum is too?” Lily’s voice rose _

_     “Lily please. I could protect you. I really could,” Severus pleaded. _

_     “I don’t want it.” Lily turned her back and walked back into her house, slamming the door. She watched him walk away from her bedroom window, her heart heavier than usual. _

* * *

 

    She could see Snape slip easily through the people on the platform and she almost wished he would come and say he was truly sorry this time. 

    Her mood soured even more when she saw a group of four boys. Peter looked nearly the same. He leaned against the wall, watching the families drop their children off at the platform. He regarded her quietly from his position, the first to acknowledge her at the platform.

    Remus looked more casual than she had seen him in years. He leaned himself against the brick wall, cigarette in hand, and laughed lazily as James and Sirius rough-housed. His hair had grown shaggy over the summer andbeen bleached by too much sun. For the first time ever, his sleeves were rolled up and he didn't seem to mind.

    Sirius looked as regal as ever in his denim jacket and bleached band tee. His hair brushed his collar bones as a loud cry of defiance at his roots. He shoved James’ shoulder and then stumbled along with him, losing his balance and grabbing onto Remus who pushed him off..

    James, however, had changed the most. He had clearly grown and now towered over everyone but Remus. His hair stuck up messily and his glasses sat askew on his face. With how tan his skin was, Lily could only assume he had been out every day practicing Quidditch for the upcoming season.

    As she looked at the two boys, she saw the glint of a badge on James’ lapel. 

    When the end of the school year came and she never talked with the Headmaster, Lily knew that she had not made the cut. Of course she would have been fine if  _ he _ hadn’t made it either. For weeks, she tried to rationalize the decision. Lily’s marks were just as good, if not better, than Potter’s. Lily was just as social as James was. And, the point Lily thought was most damning, James had detentions nearly every week since first year. Lily, by contrast, had none.

    She watched the boys for a moment longer until she felt a nudge on her shoulder.

    “Finally giving in?” a soft voice from behind said. Lily turned and saw Alice.

    “Nah. Never” Lily grinned. She hugged Alice briefly before another body slammed into the two of them.

    “A lovely good morning to you as well Marls,” Lily felt herself smile for the first time in weeks. Marlene had always been gorgeous. But now, she looked dangerous as well. Her newly platinum hair cascaded down her back and curled around her face.

    Before Lily could even greet her two friends, she was dragged by Marlene toward the train, shouting that they needed to get a good car before the first years claimed them all.

* * *

 

    When they finally reached their usual compartment, Dorcas was already sitting, waiting for them. Her formerlly straightened hair now curled around her head and face in an afro. She and Marlene began talking quickly, allowing Lily to look out the window at the families gathered around the train, wishing hers would appear in the last few minutes. The Potters shoved the boys into the train while the boys laughed and stumbled over each other. 

    As time passed, she warmed up to her friends. She told them about Severus and they exchanged worries about the wizarding world. However, the whole ride to Hogwarts, Lily felt like something was off. She couldn't put her finger on what it was, but she felt twitchy. And, to her friends’ credit, they noticed. Alice had quietly asked what was bothering her while Marlene was chasing down the trolley witch. Dorcas had brazenly shouted it through a mouthful of Cauldron Cakes. Marlene never asked what was wrong until they were sitting down in the Great Hall. That, of course, was when it finally hit Lily. James hadn’t come by their compartment.

    Ever since second year, James Potter would burst into Lily’s train car and wish her a happy new school year. He would bug her about what she had done. Tease her about Snape. It was like clockwork. It would take the four of the girls to threaten hexing him to get him out. However, this year, there were no threats because there was no Potter. When she brought it up to her friends, they simply shrugged.

    “I mean, this is what you’ve wanted for the past five years,” Dorcas said in-between sips of pumpkin juice.It was what she had always wanted. Ever since she was 11, she had complained about James Potter and his antics. But now, she was almost upset that he didn’t show up. Almost.  
“Why? You miss him?” Marlene joked, shoving her shoulder into Lily’s. Lily made a face.

    “Of course not. But don’t you find it weird? Do you think he’s planning something elaborate?” Lily chewed on her nails while. Marlene and Dorcas swapped theories and  Alice tried in vain to change the subject. 

    Nothing happened during dinner that was out of the ordinary. In fact, nothing happened for weeks after classes began. Potter talked to Lily during the prefect meetings and answered all of her questions without hesitation. But other than that, she rarely saw him. Every so often, they would cross paths and they would exchange greetings. But there were no pranks. No grand gestures. Nothing.

    Lily waited in anguish Every other time that James had gone silent, he was plotting something giant. Something embarrassing. Something that would force Lily to lose her mind and hex him. Even worse, Lily wasn’t the only one to notice.

    Rumors flew around the school about why there was a  _ severe _ lack of Potter v. Evans arguments happening. Some said that James had found a girlfriend over the summer and was over Lily. Some said that Lily and James were now dating in secret. One person claimed that Lily was a lesbian and that James had found out, but nobody believed that one. Strangely enough, James having a girlfriend sat weirdly in her mind. She tried to imagine him with other girls in their year or even in the year below them. She just couldn’t see it.

    However, if she mentioned it, Marlene simply gave her a weird look. While Lily was used to Marlene being odd, she couldn’t stand the looks that passed between Dorcas and Alice.

    “What is it.” Lily finally confronted them.

   “Nothing?” Alice looked down at her plate. 

   “I just find it funny-” Dorcas was cut off by a  kick that came from under the table. Lily could feel herself start to boil over.

   “Well. Seeing that nobody seems to feel like sharing, I must be on my way.” Lily gathered her books and stormed out of the Great Hall. She couldn't stand it. They were supposed to be her friends but they were keeping something from her. She dipped into a classroom.

   “What is going  _ on _ with me?” Lily questioned angrily. She could chalk it up to the stress she was under. The disappointment of not being named Head Girl. She should have gone back in and apologized, but part of her was angry. They had promised to never keep secrets but yet here they were, keeping something from her.

   “Hey,” a deep voice said softly. Lily opened her eyes, not remembering when she had closed them. She found herself caught in the stare of one James Potter and she didn't know what to do.

   “I’m-” she swallowed “I’m fine.” 

   “Do you want me to walk you to Herbology?” he asked quietly. She shook her head. She didn’t have the energy to deal with that class at the moment. 

   “Is the great Lily Evans skipping out on a class?” he teased. She shrugged, breaking eye contact.

   “What. Is the Head Boy going to report me?” she meant to say it as a joke, but it came out more bitter than anything else. James sighed and sat on the desk next to her.

   “It should have been you.” He didn't look at her, choosing instead to inspect his hands.

   “I know,” she said, not looking at him either. She rubbed her shoe against the floor. “But it wasn’t.” She needed to get out of here. As she walked away, she felt a hand grasp at her wrist, but then pull away.

   When she talked with James, she felt differently than before. Normally she he made her blood boil. But now, she felt more at peace. She wandered around the castle thinking and ended up in a classroom that faced the lake. 

   There, she waited with her thoughts until the sun sat. When she opened the portrait, she expected to hear the usual shouts and raucous. But instead, she heard quiet discussions and hushed whispers. The two that drew her attention the most were Sirius and Marlene chatting in the corner.  She had never seen the two talk, but they seemed to be getting along well. Only four hours had passed, and Lily already felt like she was being replaced.

    She just sat in the dark mulling over her thoughts. She needed to take inventory of everything. In just three months, she had lost her closest friend to a side she never thought he would join. 80 muggles had been brutally murdered, 23 of whom had magical children. Petunia had cut her off. And now, Lily had driven away her closest friends.

    She fell asleep before her friends came back to the room. She slept fitfully, the stress seeping into her mind. When she woke, her friends were already gone. 

    She trudged downstairs and sat in front of the fire. She had no energy to find a spot in the Great Hall and, even if she did, she didn’t know who she would sit by. So, she sat on the ground, stared at the fire, and listened to the quiet of the empty common room. Or at least, she thought it was empty.

   “Interesting, isn’t it?” She turned and saw James Potter hair messier than ever and glasses shoved onto his face, wearing a pair of Holyhead Harpies pajamas.

   “Wales. Didn’t expect that,” Lily stared into the fire..

    “It’s the oldest team around. There’s a lot you wouldn’t know about me Evans.” She shrugged.

   “Do you want to talk about it?” He almost sounded sincere.

    “Nothing to talk about.” Lily finally looked at him, trying to find the resentment that she had held for so long against him.

    “Well, seeing that you are clearly avoiding  _ something _ , would you care to join me in the kitchens for our own private breakfast?” He offered his hand to Lily and, against her better judgement, she took it. 

    After eating for a bit, Lily began talking to him. She told him about her summer, about Severus, about her fears of the dark wizards who were murdering people like her parents. It went on for so long, even Lily would have tuned herself out, But, he listened. He didn’t make any jokes about Severus. He simply nodded and listened.

   “Why are you being so nice to me this year?” she finally asked.

    “Just you wait Lily Evans.” He grinned. This statement should have terrified her, but she just smiled back. 

    “What do you have planned,” she said, leaning onto her elbows. He shook his head, smiling. A comfortable quiet sat between the two for a while.

    “You deserved it.” He shook his head and Lily raised her eyebrow. “You deserved to be Head Girl. Not Emmeline Vance. It should have been you,” He leaned back in his chair.

    “But it wasn’t.” Her mood suddenly soured. Lily shot to her feet.

    “Thank you for breakfast Mr. Potter, but I must be going.” She turned and walked back to the common room. She was glad that she had found her resentment for Potter again, she felt guilty for icing over so quickly.

* * *

 

    In Potions, Lily didn’t know who to sit next to. Marlene, her normal partner, had paired up with Mary. Dora and Alice were paired together per usual and Lily had no interest in breaking that duo up. James, who was honestly her last choice, had paired with Sirius, who was attempting to blow up the cauldron before the class even began.

   “Lily!” she spun towards the voice and saw a small brunette with curly hair. She sighed. Sage Norwalk. She was nice. A decent student. They were honestly quite similar with the exception of Sage’s love of spreading gossip. Lily smiled and walked to the seat next to Sage. 

    Potions dragged on that day. Sage chatted on about her boyfriend Milford Brown, who Lily had never heard of. Lily tried in vain to focus on her work, but Sage kept asking for her opinion. Lily mostly answered with nods, but occasionally Sage would expect words. 

    When the class finally ended, Lily made up an excuse of a prefect meeting and ran off to lunch. Ditching lunch and going somewhere else crossed her mind, but she had nowhere to go and her stomach disagreed. So, she walked into the Great Hall determined to face the music. She thought about sitting with the Marauders, but then saw Sirius throwing bits of a roll at Remus and thought better of it. 

    She slunk to her normal table and the conversation between her friends stopped.

    “Is anyone sitting here?” she tried to keep her voice as steady as possible. They all shook their heads.

    ”I’m sorry for blowing up at you guys,” Lily said after a beat. They said nothing, but a small smile spread across Dorcas’ face.

    “We’re sorry for keeping secrets,” Dorcas said, smiling at the others. Lily let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding and flopped onto the bench next to Alice.

   “Thank god. If I had to survive another potions class being paired with Sage, I would have thrown myself off of the astronomy tower.” While she was ecstatic to have her friends back, she couldn’t help but look at James. They briefly made eye contact before she looked away, blushing profusely.

    “Whatcha staring at Lils?” Alice said, chin in her palm. 

    “Nothing. I’m not looking at anything.” Lily felt her face flush. The other two joined in.

    “Alice, I believe she was staring in the direction of the end at the table. Do you concur?” Marlene said mockingly. Lily hid her head in her hands, praying that the boys at the end of the table couldn’t hear.

    “Ms. McKinnon, I do believe you are correct. Shall we call in Ms. Meadowes for her opinion?” 

    “Thank you Alice. I do believe my esteemed colleagues are correct. And, if I am not mistaken, there is one James Potter at that site. Could that be, perchance, who she is staring at?” The whole group dissolved into laughter.

* * *

 

    Months started to fly by as Lily got more involved in her studies. If she wasn’t working on a paper, she was studying for exams. And if she wasn’t studying, she was on patrols. 

    Shockingly, there had been no pranks or any other distractions. The Marauders had been suspiciously quiet in her life. Last year, she had been avoiding every Marauder so that she wouldn’t trip conveniently into Potter’s arms. This year, she was walking on even ground, no matter who she walked by.

   Lily had been avoiding James as much as possible since their breakfast together and, oddly enough, he seemed to be letting her. There had been no grand gestures of phony romance. In fact, there was not even an effort for a conversation.

    “He hasn’t talked to me,” Lily exhaled angrily one day at breakfast.

    “Lily. This is  _ literally _ what you have wanted since age 12,” Dorcas rolled her eyes, not even looking up from her textbook. Lily sputtered.

     “Do you  _ miss _ it?” Alice said quietly, picking at her breakfast roll. Lily shrugged.

    “Just because I didn't want flowers or frogs serenading me doesn't mean I don't want to talk to him.” Lily looked down at her plate, blushing. She sounded ridiculous.

    “Well, you could have fooled us.” Marlene chucked a loose pumpkin seed at Lily’s head, nailing her forehead.

    “Nevermind. Forget I said anything.” Lily tried to abruptly change the subject. She had this pit at the bottom of her stomach; the kind that only came when she was suppressing her feelings.

    Her thoughts were interrupted when Dorcas nudged her with her shoulder. Snape leered above her, eyes downcast.

    “Go away Severus.” Lily turned back to her friends, trying to initiate a conversation. Any conversation would do. She felt a hand grab her arm and pull her up from the table.

    “Severus. Let. Me. Go.” Lily fixed a cold gaze on him, arm burning from his grip.

    “I just want to talk. It feels like you’ve been avoiding me.” Snape looked down at Lily and she wanted to scream. How dare he. How dare he pretend to be the victim after everything he had said to her.

    “Well Snape, perhaps I have. Did that ever occur to you? Now get the hell off of me!” Lily could hear her voice rising and she knew people were staring, but she couldn’t help it. She tried to pull away once more.

    “Hey mate. Let go of her.” Lily heard a deep voice say as she felt the hand being pried off of her. She stumbled backwards.

    “Oh look who it is. James Potter coming to save the love of his life who would never love him back. How pathetic.” Lily looked up and saw James defending her and, for some reason, her blood boiled. Grabbing her things, Lily stormed out of the Great Hall. She was so angry she could punch something. Or hex someone. Either one was a good option in her mind. She saw an old abandoned dueling classroom and decided to practice a bit.  She started throwing hexes and curses left and right. Some were magical, some were muggle words that she had learned from the muggle kids in her neighborhood. 

    When she finally paused to breathe, she saw a figure lurking in the doorway.

    “How did you even find me?” she said, refusing to look at the tall and disheveled boy.

    “Followed the stream of curses. Ended up here. Class begins in 20 minutes. You might want to change, Evans.” He didn’t even look at her.

    “Thanks Potter,” Lily said, dismissing James from the classroom. She turned and looked at him as he walked away, feeling the anger that had been burning in her veins seeping away. He had defended her. He had asked nothing in return. The boy she had grown to hate had defended her not because she was Lily Evans:The Love of His Life, but because she was a student and he was Head Boy and it was his duty.

* * *

 

    Autumn turned to winter as snow fell and mistletoe was hung. At every doorway, Lily scoured to make sure neither James nor his friends were around to trick her. Much like they had been the whole year, they were absent, or at least making themselves scarce. 

    Lily had decided to stay at Hogwarts over the Christmas holiday. It was less stress on her family and she knew she would be safer there, or at least her family would be safer without her home. However, James and his friends also happened to be spending the holiday at Hogwarts and she was not filled with as much dread as she thought she would be.

    Snape, as per usual, was also staying at Hogwarts over the holiday. Lily was curious as to why he wasn’t spending it with any of his new-found friends, but she didn’t bother musing for too long. He had made his choice. Which, in turn,  forced Lily to make hers. 

    She had a few run-ins with Severus, but none had escalated like the first one had. However, every time she saw him, Lily’s heart hurt. He had been her best friend for years and she couldn’t help but miss him. But, seeing him with new friends who promised him power and acceptance made Lily’s blood boil. The more she heard about what Severus and his friends did, the more Lily wanted to slap him.

    She tried to spend as much time with other people as she could to avoid talking to Severus. This meant, however, she spent more time than usual with James. 

    Now that he no longer tried to trap her, Lily was able to see that he wasn’t actually horrible. It wasn’t even that they where spending time together doing things, but more like they spent time in the same room doing different things. Lily would sit, curled up, in an armchair by the fire reading while James would sprawl out on the couch mumbling about quidditch strategy to nobody whatsoever. 

    Frankly, she had gotten used to it. The Common Room seemed too quiet without him and his loud whisper. Whenever he wasn’t in the room, she brought down her record player, needing some other noise to drown out the quiet. Even after he came in, the music stayed on for the both of them.

    As much as she hated to admit it, Lily knew that something had changed. She liked being around the boy. He made her laugh. He was perfectly willing to stay in the same room with her without exchanging a syllable, something that never would have happened in years prior. 

    Whenever she wasn’t with her girls, she was with James. They walked to lunch together, talking about nonsense. He would try to explain quidditch strategy to her and she would simply roll her eyes and laugh. She would try and explain the moon landing and utterly baffle him.For the first time since the summer, Lily actually felt safe and secure. 

    She clung to him because he hadn’t really changed all that much. He was still a class clown and hilarious, but now she also saw the side of him that was sweet and gentle. If he could remain optimistic when the world was burning down around them, then so could she.

* * *

 

    While Lily’s friends had stayed with her during winter holiday, they had all gone home on the 24th and would return on the 30th. Essentially, Lily was alone at Hogwarts.

    She and James walked to the Great Hall for lunch together like they normally did, but she paused paused at the door. Normally, this was where they went their separate ways. Lily would go sit with the girls and James would split and sit with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. But her friends were gone and she had nobody to sit with other than the vast nothingness of the Gryffindor table.. She looked out at the vast expanse and felt her heart drop. She hadn’t eaten alone since her time in primary school and it was not a feeling she was looking forward to revisiting. 

    She felt a hand tugging on her’s and looked up. James grinned and yanked her toward the Marauder’s side of the table. He shoved her down and then grandly introduced her to each and every one of them, despite her near-constant interruptions that she had gone to school with them for over six years. She knew their names. She knew that Sirius stayed because of his family and Remus stayed because Sirius stayed. When she had asked Peter why he had stayed, he had simply shrugged and said that his friends needed him more than his family did. When she asked James, he simply squinted at her and said slowly “Im Hindu”.

    Sitting with James’ friends was far different than sitting with her friends. Sure. Marlene and Dorcas would kick each other and Alice would say something quietly to make the whole group burst out laughing. But these boys were a whole different breed. Sirius would jump onto the table and recite Shakespeare. James would laugh and try to pull him off of the table. Remus would correct his pronunciation or give a score out of ten. Peter would repeatedly ask what Sirius was quoting in between laughter. And, for a brief moment, this was all that mattered. Lily laughing so hard that she almost choked. Sirius falling into Remus’ side. James laughing loudly. Peter trying to shush them all while laughing the loudest. . Just three best friends, and for once, the world wasn’t burning down around them.

* * *

 

    When her friends came back from Holiday, Lily couldn't help but miss the Marauders. Her friends came back with hushed news about the world outside of the castle. They whispered over the table and quietly behind closed bed curtains, praying that nobody would overhear.

    And suddenly, she noticed the flames again. Some days, Lily felt like she could see them licking at her life and her friends. Her world was burning and nobody was there to stop it.

    Worst of all, perhaps, was watching Severus burn as well. She watched over him, waiting to catch him if he ever fell. She hoped he would stumble somewhere in his path, waiting for him to look back and see everything he had given up. Hoping he would come back to her. 

    She knew he wouldn’t. He was drunk on the power and sense of mass acceptance that the other Slytherin boys had brought to him. But, when she looked at him, she saw every summer they had spent together. Every time they ran through the fields behind her house or climbed trees together. She didn’t want to miss him, but she couldn’t help it. 

    Alice notice too. She would look at her sympathetically when Lily stared too long.

    “It’s okay.” Alice touched Lily’s thigh under the table, effectively breaking her trance. Lily looked down at her lap.

    “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She did. Of course she knew.

    “It’s okay to miss him. Who he was.” Alice then got up from the table without another word and went back to the common room.

    For some reason, her words comforted Lily. It was okay to miss the black haired boy who lived down the street. It was okay to mourn their close friendship. It was all okay.

    There was one other person that Lily missed though. Somebody who she had never been close to until recently. James. Once Marlene, Alice, and Dorcas had come back, he had pulled away. She couldn’t figure out why either. She also couldn’t figure out why seeing him with other girls made her so upset. 

    He didn’t belong to her. That was the exact  _ opposite _ of what she wanted. She chastised herself every time she got upset and tried to distract herself. But one day, she just snapped.

    Lily watched as Tulsa Hysoppe flipped her hair and leaned into James, whispering something in his ear. She tried to not get distracted from her conversation, but she couldn’t focus as Tulsa toyed with James’ hair.

    “She’s just  _ shameless _ isn’t she.” Lily nearly throwing her fork in the direction of the two with disgust. Dorcas shrugged.

    “I guess.” Dorcas went back to eating and studying without even a second thought. But Lily still glared on.

    “What does he even  _ see _ in her?” Lily couldn’t stop staring as James leaned in and whispered something into the giggling girl’s ear. Marlene smirked.

    “Well, what do  _ you _ see in him?” The sentence was dripping in innuendo and was a minefield. Whatever Lily said would be mocked. If she said nothing, they would accuse her of lying. If she said anything else, she would be mocked for the rest of eternity. Lily gaped like a fish out of water, every fiber of her being telling her to run out of the Great Hall immediately.

    “Wait. Are you. Jealous?” Dorcas said, looking up from her work. Lily scoffed.

    “Of course I’m not. I just think that it is a bit ridiculous to be flaunting whatever it is right in front of everyone, don’t you think?” SHe scanned her friends’ faces for agreement. Marlene wore a wicked smile while Dorcas and Alice seemed to be communicating silently.

    “I swear to god. If I have to work with Sage again because of these antics, I will honestly petrify myself,” Lily deadpanned. Dorcas just shrugged.

    “You just seem awfully caught up on him.” Lily looked to see if her other friends agreed with Dorcas. Alice refused to meet her eye.

    “What do you mean?” Lily drew out, knowing  _ exactly  _ what they meant.

    “We mean. You want him to chase you again. You miss the thrill of the chase. The attention. Because, you actually want him now.” Marlene stared at Lily, daring her to disagree. The others refused to meet her eye. Lily shook her head. 

    “I do not. I just think it’s disgusting.” Lily denied, but a small part of her nagged that they were right.

    Marelene’s comment nagged for the rest of the week. Every time she saw him, it told her that they were right. Her stomach wrapped itself into knots. She felt a horrible pit in her stomach. Her cheeks burned. Her friends were right. Which made her even more annoyed. She didn’t like James in that way. She swore up and down that she wasn’t jealous. That she didn’t like him in that way. She had never, and would never, like him in that way. She just missed her close friendship with Severus, and had felt a similar connection to James. She tried to rationalize it as much as she could.

    But, when she lay in bed at night all alone, she couldn’t help but think her friends were right. She remembered how he had looked that morning, after he had first emerged from bed. She remembered how he had listened that morning at their private breakfast. She remembered how he hadn’t even run after her when she stormed out. How right and secure her hand felt in his. How much she had laughed when she was with him. She could go on and on about how she felt about the Indian boy she had hated for so long. 

    So, she vowed to never tell anyone. She could know and acknowledge her feelings toward James, but hell would have to freeze over before she told anyone else.

    However, she still couldn’t figure out why James had ignored her after their winter holiday was over. Classes had begun again, and he was back to his distant self.

    She watched him talk to other girls as they fiddled with their hair, a cold feeling creeping into her chest and snaking its way through her stomach. It eventually got so bad that she couldn’t even look at James. She knew her friends noticed, but they never said anything.

    Before break, they were starting to become friends. During break, they had gotten closer that ever. They had spent much of their time together. But now, it was as if he could hardly look at her. 

    If Lily were to be perfectly honest, it was painful. She had lost Sev over the summer and losing James was just another person she had trusted who had let her down. It was even harder now that she had acknowledged her feelings toward him. She almost wished that she had continued to ignore them. Put them in a box and hide it in the corner of her mind.

    On this particular day, however, everything had piled up. She had 5 more inches to add on her transfiguration essay. She had rounds tonight. And, to make matters even better, Snape had been all-but stalking her. She probably hadn’t brushed her hair in a week and hadn’t truly slept either. All of this made for a wonderful combination. 

    She was in the middle of taking a quick food break in between studying charms and Defence Against the Dark Arts when Severus shuffled over to her.. She tried to ignore him as he loomed over her, instead focusing on her meal. He cleared his throat.

    “It’s in poor taste to ignore people.” Lily looked at him, deciding whether hexing him was worth the detention she would receive. Most likely not.

    “Lovely to see you as well Severus.” Lily tried to keep her face impartial, picking at whatever food she had slapped onto her plate.

    “The offer still stands, you know.” Lily tried to keep the disgust from her face.

    “How many times do I need to tell you to leave me alone?” Lily said quietly, jaw tightening. The nerve of this boy. To come to her table and act as if they were still friends.

    “I don’t believe you have truly thought this through Lily. I’m simply trying to protect you.” Snape’s lips curled with the statement. Lily clenched her fists, trying in vain to control her temper.

    “Severus, I have asked you very nicely to leave me alone. The next time you harass me, I will make sure that you are in detention for the rest of your time here at Hogwarts.” Lily’s voice was even, but it was hard to ignore the anger that was rolling off of her.

    “Lils.” Severus’ voice lowered. “You have no idea what they are planning. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Lily shook her head. At this point, the whole hall was watching. She felt her cheeks burning with embarrassment.

    “You honestly think I need protection? My marks are ten times better than yours are in every class. If anyone needs protection, it’s you.” Lily took a deep breath, pushing down the feeling rolling in her stomach.

    “Lily. You have to listen to me. Without me, you are going to get hurt. I hear them talk every day about what they are going to do to people like you when they leave-”

    “People like me? Honestly Severus. You think that is your best argument? Leave before I decide to hex you into next week. You know, I would think you would refuse to talk to me. You know. Because I’m a, what was that word you used again? A Mudblood?” Lily saw James get up out of the corner of her eye.

    “You know I didn’t mean it Lily.” Lily gripped the table tightly.

   “Snape. I think it’s time for you to go.” James broke in, Lily's chest releasing the anxiety it had been holding onto. 

    “I don’t listen to blood traitors like you.”

    “I wouldn’t test me Snape.”

    “Honestly Lily, you have to trail your wannabe boyfriend around all of the time?” Snape said, leaning around James. Lily tensed up, her eyes widening like a deer in headlights.

    “Piss off Severus.” Lily said cooly, getting up from the table. She needed to leave this situation immediately.

    “I’m never going to stop trying Lily,” Snape shouted at her back. Lily spun around. If she hadn’t had such a grip on her magic, pots would be boiling and glasses would have broken from accidental magic.

    “Mate. Come on, leave her alone.” James tried in vain to block Severus’ view of Lily.

    “Goddammit Potter. You’re not my bloody boyfriend. I don’t need you to show up and save me like some damsel in distress.” Severus sneered.

    “And you Severus. Don’t bloody talk to me or-or even  _ look _ at me ever again.” Lily turned on her heel, storming out of the Great Hall. She could hear tittering behind her as she left, but she couldn't care less. She head James calling after her as she made her way down the hall and kept walking. Of all the people in the world, James was the last person she wanted to talk to.

    “Evans  _ please.  _ Can you stop for a second?” There was a certain twinge in his voice that made Lily stop in the empty hallway. She refused to face him, terrified that if she did tears would fall. She couldn’t let him see her cry.

    “I didn’t mean- I wasn’t trying to be your boyfriend Lily,” He said to her back. She took a deep breath and turned around.

    “Really? So you just step in to everyone’s conversations like that?”

    “I’m Head Boy. When I see a conversation going downhill, of course I’m going to step in.”

    “There you go again. We get it Potter. You’re Head Boy. We all know by now. There’s no need to flaunt it.” Words flew like hexes off of her tounge. Lily knew she was being irrational, but she couldn’t stop.

    “Is that what this is all about? We all know you deserved it Lily. But it’s over. There is nothing anyone can do about you not being Head Girl. You can’t be mad at me for it. I didn’t choose it.” Lily knew that what he was saying was true. She had to get over it all. 

    “You think I’m mad about Head Girl? Please Potter. I got over that a long time ago.” Lily scoffed.

    “Then why are you mad at me? I swear I can’t do anything right by you. You hated me when I was constantly bothering you-not that I can blame you. But you also hate me now that I’ve stopped? Do you really hate me that much?” James’ voice grew quiet toward the end of his argument.

    “Hate you James? Honestly?” Lily tried to pull back on her anger, but it was like a loose bludger.

    “Then what is it?” James said, not looking at her.

    “You’ve ignored me ever since this year began. Then finally,  _ finally _ , you talked to me during winter hols. And I thought we were friends. But then you stopped talking to me the minute that hols were over. Do you know how hard that was for me? I’ve already lost Sev and my sister. I didn’t need to lose you to.” Lily breathed heavily. 

    “You think I wanted to stop talking to you?” James still wouldn’t look at her.

    “What else am I supposed to believe? You won’t even look at me?” Lily tried to shout to prevent him from noticing the choked sound.

    “Lily. I’m Head Boy-”

    “I bloody well know that Potter!” The switch between remorseful and anger was sharp.

    “Shut it Evans and just listen to me.” James glared at her.

    “It would have been inappropriate to pursue you. I’m as close to your superior as I can get without being a teacher. I didn’t want you to feel pressured-” He trailed off, not looking at her.

    “You didn’t want me to feel like you were using your power against me,” Lily finished for him. He nodded.

    “It physically hurts me to look at you Lily. I know I’ve been daft about this, but I truly have feelings for you. And I know you don’t feel the same way about me-” All of a sudden, Lily was kissing him. She didn’t know how it happened, but suddenly she was crashing into him.

    It wasn’t the best kiss she had ever had. It was messy from her crying and their labored breathing. But,e was stronger than anyone she could even remember, and somehow that made her feel safer than she had ever felt before. He smelled slightly of curry despite not having been home in months but he also had a certain softess about him when he held her.

    When the kiss ended, Lily was breathless. This boy was truly in love with her and, in that moment, she knew he would never leave. Frankly, the thought scared her. But when he smiled at her, somehow she felt safer than she had ever felt in years.

    “Not bad Potter. Not bad at all.” He laughed. It was like feeling the sun on her after days of rain. 

    “You should get angry more often Evans. It suits you.”

    “Piss off Potter.”

* * *

 

    The next few months weren’t easy. Lily had to put up with incessant teasing from her friends as well as from James’. However, mostly, it was Sirius telling her to blink once if she felt trapped. 

    It wasn’t perfect, and it never would be. They fought constantly in the common room, but they could always be found snogging an hour later. They were both demanding and pigheaded and could often fail to see where they were wrong. But one of them never failed to apologize to the other and that was truly what mattered.

    James was the most stable person in Lily’s life. He was there when her sister sent her final letter to Lily. He was there whenever Severus tried to step in, but he never tried to interfere. He had clearly learned from the last time.

   He had seen her at her absolute lowest and had never left. And, while he would argue that pre-exam Lily was the hardest to deal with, she knew he enjoyed every minute of it.

    One morning, which was arguably the most tumultuous, Lily had received the Daily Prophet like always. She flipped through it over her coffee like always, barely reading it. Until her eyes fell upon an article hidden in the very middle. Ten Muggle families killed, three of whom had wizarding children. Lily’s world crashed to the ground. 

    Simply by existing, she had put her family in danger. Her older sister, who had wanted to be part of her world so badly, could be murdered. That day, Lily had sat in James’ room and cried. He held her the whole way through, even when she pounded on his chest screaming how it wasn’t fair. She screamed herself hoarse and told him to leave and never come back. But he never did. He just held her tighter, whispering “I know” over and over. It was in that moment that Lily knew he was never leaving her side. 

    James, of course, had known this since the mature age of eleven. He had always dreamed how he was going to ask the fiery redhead to marry him. Grand gesture was the most obvious. Most likely with fireworks and some sort of band. However, that was not how it happened.

    They had just woken up in the Potters’ house and it was still early. It was some holiday or occasion that Euphemia had required them to come over and stay for. He hadn’t meant to ask her to marry him, but the words slipped out. He had hardly heard her breathe yes and had needed her to repeat it multiple times. The last time was peppered with words such as “bloody idiot” and “daft boy”, but the message had still made it into his mind. Lily Evans wanted to marry him. 

    He quickly pulled out the ring his mother had long stopped wearing and offered it to her. Neither of them realized that the other was crying, but they both agreed that it had been perfect. When their friends asked, they simply said it had been in an intimate setting. Nobody had to know that Lily was in her pajamas and James’ glasses were crooked.

    Their wedding had been quick. There was a war to fight and they had to be thoroughly convinced to take time off to have a celebration. Truth be told, the wedding was bittersweet. There were empty chairs and people missing. However, she had James had probably never been happier. Tears had been shed by both her and James as well as everyone else at the ceremony. They had danced the night away and, little did they know, it was the last time that they would see many of the people in attendance.

    When Lily realized she was pregnant, she almost didn't want to tell James. They were so young and the war was destroying their community as they know it. James had been inconsolable when she told him. When he finally calmed down, he wrote down a list of promises for their baby. That the war would be over. That they would always be loved.

    When she and James had to be sequestered away, it was heartbreaking. In the beginning, their friends visited constantly, but as the war wore on the company stopped coming. They couldn’t attend the funerals for their friends or for James’ own parents, an aspect that neither of them had even thought to worry about. She watched Sirius and Remus’ relationship blossom and then die out. She and James fought about nearly everything, both of them feeling caged in.

    But it all changed when baby Harry was born. Their house was filled with joy and laughter again, occasionally even a stag and dog could be spotted. That was until Lily saw them and gave the two grown men a good tongue-lashing. They watched him grow up in the house that they had learned to call home. 

    Harry’s birthday was the last day that Lily would see her family that she had built at Hogwarts. They had a party on an afternoon after an Order meeting to ensure everyone would be there. Harry had smashed cake in his face and almost ran over the cat on a toy broom Sirius had bought him. It had been a warm and sunny day that Lily would remember on the lonely, empty days. 

    And on that fateful night when she heard her husband hit the floor lifeless, Lily knew her son would be loved and supported by the family she cultivated. He would know nothing of isolation or family who would hate him for something he had no control over. He would be loved, and that was all that mattered as she fell..

**Author's Note:**

> Whew! You made it! Congrats!
> 
> I'm really proud of you! I really am!
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Please leave a comment on anything you liked or disliked! (PLease comment. I am so desperate for validation)
> 
> Much Love  
> ~Your Beloved Author


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